June 23, 2023. Three years later, you would be so proud of our children.

Nicco finished Senior High School and is now about to enter his second year of college. Gabby is graduating this July 23. Finishing off college.

I often imagine you in the audience, smiling that smile of yours, taking photos, bragging about her to everyone who would listen.

The house is different now, too.

Aimee is eight years old and still follows us around like she owns the place. Gabby brought home Kimmie, a little black puspin. Nicco brought home Frankie, a black Persian cat. Somehow, our home became filled with paws, whiskers, scattered fur, and little reminders that life continues to make room for love.

This year brought more changes.

I lost my job in January. In March, we packed our lives into boxes and left the home we shared in Mandaluyong. Closing that chapter hurt more than I expected. Every wall, every corner, every ordinary space carried a memory of you.

Now we live in a rented two-story house not far away.

A different house.

A different life.

A different version of me.

Yet every day, I still carry you with me.

You have missed so much.

You missed graduations.
You missed birthdays.
You missed new pets, new homes, new struggles, and new victories.

But the truth is, you never really left our conversations.

Your name still finds its way into our everyday stories. We still laugh about things you used to say. We still wonder what advice you would have given. We still talk about you as if you had just stepped out of the room and might walk back in at any moment.

Sometimes, when life becomes too heavy, I still look for you.

Not in photographs.
Not in old messages.

But in the quiet spaces between memories and prayers.

Three years later, I am still learning how to live in a world where you no longer exist, while carrying a love that never left. 🤍💜🪽

Finally, after two years… I’m able to talk about it.
Not because the pain is gone.
but because I’ve carried it in silence for so long.
Hindi talaga gumaan. Mas lalong lumalim.
Mas mabigat. Mas mahirap.

But I owe it to Ian.
And I owe it to myself.
To tell the truth of what happened.
To honor the love, the loss, and everything in between.

This is our story.

June 23, 2023.
I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I hadn’t slept. I watched over you all night. You slept too soundly this time… something felt off.

That morning, you pointed toward the door.
You said, “May lalaki diyan.”
I told you, “Walang tao, Daddy. Wag ka magturo-turo.”
You pointed again. “Ayan si Kuya… sasamahan ako.”
I shut the door. The kids went to school.

I was scrambling, messaging anyone I could for help. We didn’t have the money to bring you back to TMC. But you were clear with your last message to your siblings:
“Wag niyo ko dalhin sa Mandaluyong Medical Center. Mamamatay ako don.”
They agreed. We called the ambulance. Off we went.

Even then, you thought of others, telling me to give the ambulance staff some money and thank them.
When they moved you to the ER, you vomited blood everywhere.
Still, you fought.

Then you said, “Go eat lunch outside.”
Still looking after me.

Doctors said you needed ICU again.
Blood transfusion. Dialysis.
Your hemoglobin was dangerously low. BP unstable. They had to wait.

You asked me to change your diaper. You had pooped and needed help.
I called an attendant. You were too heavy for me alone.
A nurse came in and said they needed to insert an NGT. You hadn’t eaten all day.

I begged them not to. I knew how much you hated it.
But the nurse came back with a doctor. He gently explained it was necessary.
You nodded, but you weren’t yourself anymore.

They brought in the long hose. I was asked to step aside.
I stood near your feet. I needed to see you. Needed to stay close.
You kept looking at me, and I was terrified.
Then, I saw it.
That blank, far-off stare.

The machine alarmed.
They called your name.
You didn’t respond.
Somebody yelled, “Code!”

Chaos filled that tiny ER cubicle.
I was crying as they tried to bring you back.
A doctor climbed over you, doing compressions.
There was blood everywhere. On you, on the floor, on their hands.
Thirty agonizing minutes.

Someone shouted, “Pulse!”
I held onto that.
Then it dropped again.

I did a video call to our family group chat with Ates and Kuya.
I showed them what was happening.
But I couldn’t hold it together. I ended the call.

Right before 9 PM, a doctor came to me.
They had done everything they could.
But you didn’t make it.

The room cleared.
And I was alone.
Staring at your lifeless body.

I couldn’t even hug you.
You were soaked in blood.
I kissed you. Held your still-warm hand.
I whispered everything I needed to say.
I knew your spirit was still there. Confused maybe.
Still asking me to help you.

I called Gabby and Nicco.
They were home, probably asleep.
They were expecting you to come home again like before. You always pulled through.
But this time was different.

You were too young.
None of us were ready.

The days that followed… Cremation, funeral, all the formalities
I thought I was holding it together.
But on the 9th day, it hit me.
A wave of panic. My chest pounding.
I felt like I was going crazy.

That was when it sank in.
You were really gone.
And I was drowning. Emotionally. Financially. Completely.

I worried for Gabby and Nicco.
Gabby in college. Nicco in senior high.
Bills piling up. Hospital debt. Unpaid loans.

You handled everything at home.
The cooking. The budget. The kids.
I just worked. You ran the household.
You always made sure I was part of every decision.

Suddenly, it was all on me.

I had to make impossible choices.
I pawned the bracelet you told me never to pawn, just to pay Gabby’s tuition for a semester
So she wouldn’t have to stop school.
I sold the extra fridge. Your sneakers. Your unworn shirts.
Eventually, the car. Your motorcycle. Your bike.

But I kept your watches.
Your favorite bracelet.
Your clothes. Nicco wears them now.
You told me not to throw them.
I won’t.

Gabby and I carry names for the ache now.
Major depressive disorder, they said.
For me, anxiety and prolonged grief too.

But long before the diagnoses, we already knew something had broken deep inside us.
The days blurred. The nights were heavy.
Our world didn’t just fall apart. It collapsed in silence.
And we’ve been learning how to breathe in between ever since.

Now, the house… your family’s home… is up for sale.
We don’t know exactly when we’ll have to leave, but I know the day is coming. It’s where we raised our kids.
Where Gabby and Nicco grew up.
Where we dreamed, struggled, laughed, and fought.

It’s more than just walls.
It holds the life we shared.

Letting go won’t be easy.
But we’ll carry the love, the lessons, and the memories with us, wherever life takes us next.

Now, it’s slowly fading.
But not you.
You are with us still, in everything we do.

Don’t worry, Dad.
We will rebuild.
We’ll carry you in our hearts and souls.
Always.

Two years. And it still feels like yesterday.

Timothy 4:7, Paul says, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith“.

I am happy to stay and be with you until the end of your battle. You have fought the good fight…

Now the Lord has called you to rest and he will now ease all the pain and suffering under HIS loving care.

To all our friends and family, please join us in remembering and honoring the life of Ian.

My dear daughter has crafted this photo announcement to share on our social media, keeping friends and family in the loop. For privacy reasons, I’ve edited out his name and date of birth. The picture above captures a moment from one of my son’s birthday lunches. I once joked with him that this photo would be perfect for his obituary because he looks so great in it. He chuckled and replied that he’s always been quite the looker!

I have written this post sometime in June 2023 while I was with Ian in VRP (where he tested positive for COVID Pneumonia) we were so financially drained, but still in high in spirit and hopes that Ian will still be able to make it just as his previous hospitalization. Well he did, he gather and muster all his strength to make in time for his sister prior to going back in AU. But his condition got worsen after going home 🙁

It has been sitting in my draft for too long that I almost don’t want to publish this anymore. It has been 8 months since he’s been gone and I was left alone in battling severe anxiety and in deep grief. I will tackle in separate post about this terrible experience.

It all began, 5 years ago. Ian was rushed to two different hospitals as he’s complaining of shortness of breath and a feeling of drowning while lying flat on his back. He’s been on his heaviest weight and showing signs of edema on his legs. A few years back from then, he underwent toe amputation due to foot ulcer and gangrene. He’s been Diabetic since he was 16 years old.

The initial nearby public hospital we went to was no help as the doctor only prescribed him to drink Gaviscon and we were sent home, it was a traumatic experience from a bad doctor who was trying to belittle all what we’re trying to say to an obvious urgent medical condition but just shrugged it off and even say other patient’s condition were far more critical than him. So off we transferred to another city hospital and he had series of laboratory exams. The doctor advised we look for a bigger hospital where there is a facility for a dialysis. It didn’t sink in yet at that stage as we are still clueless of what the diagnosis is.

_{While waiting at ER in a public hospital}

congested

We were referred to a nephrologist in a big hospital. All the tests were repeated and finally able to confirm he has a congested heart failure ( CHF) and a Stage 3b Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD). No, the nephrologist did not asked him to go under emergency dialysis. He stayed for about 3-4 days and was discharged. His Cardiologist advise us that he needs to go for an Angiogram to confirm blockage and if there is, must need to go for Angioplasty. We went for a follow up check up to the Nephro to submit his follow up lab and never went back after.

Years passed and pandemic happened. 5 years went by, we almost thought he got Covid and a doctor prescribed him to take Remdesivir twice and then only to find out he is negative from Covid and was properly diagnosed with Pneumonia instead. He got well after that. Thank God!

Fast forward, 11th April 2023 we rushed him to emergency in TMC (The Medical City) Pasig, he recently had the worst nausea to the point he couldn’t stand long on his feet and twice he almost fainted while we were doing grocery, he said he couldn’t see anything, all were in white background. No, his breathing was a ok this time. Although he’s been feeling more weak and tired more often. He also said he’s feeling a swelling on one of his testes. I googled everything about the symptoms and was lead to ‘Testicular Cancer’. He doesn’t want to go to hospital for a check up, he always dread going to the hospital. The only time he would let me take him to the hospital is when he feels he no longer can’t handle the pain anymore. This time, while he is in emergency room isolation, he was told he is going to undergo an emergency dialysis. It is only then I realised and dawned on me that his CKD has now made a progress to its final stage! Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 5.

The doctor finally called me to explain they will perform a procedure and will insert an IJ Catheter on his neck for the emergency dialysis. I wasn’t permitted to go inside the emergency room to be with him, but we’re communicating via video call in FB. I was just in the hospital’s lobby waiting for an update while he’s going through series of exams again, 2D echo, blood tests, x-rays and everything else! The day after, another procedure was performed for a fistula in his arm in preparation for a continued Dialysis ( I believe this cost around 30K excluding professional fees, etc) . This hospitalisation has cost around three hundred plus thousand pesos (P300,000).

16th April, he was finally discharged and we were able to find a nearby Dialysis Center at Novus Renal Care in Mandaluyong. He started and were coping up with the changes as a new Dialysis patient. Everything was a struggle with changes in lifestyle and way of living. He has to allot 4-5 hours and up to 6 hours a day for his Hemodialysis session 3x a week MWF schedule.

14th of May, Mother’s day, he was again rushed to emergency due to weakness, he has been vomiting with blood and episodes of tarry stool. he has been put in ICU for monitoring where he spent 8 days and total of 10 days in the hospital. While in ICU he had an endoscopy and find out he had internal bleeding. Multiple biopsies were taken from mass/lesion. Post biopsy bleeding controlled with epinephrine injection and hemoclipping (x 3 clips deployed). He also underwent blood transfusion. A total of 11 bags were given all through his ICU stay. He also had hospital acquired Pneumonia.

24th of May, he was discharged from the hospital and were given instructions for home care. The hospital bill has ballooned cost 1.4 Million pesos less 20% discount for PWD and we were able to seek assistance through Guarantee Letter from PCSO for 30,000 pesos. Our relatives, family, friends. and colleagues have also showed concern and has helped us too too in our plea for financial help. Our savings has been depleted with the bills and medicines from the 2 hospitalizations.

5 days after the recent confinement, 31st of May, Ian has again lost his strength to stand up and unable to go to his scheduled dialysis. Since we no longer have enough funds due to his last hospitalization, we tried to bring him to a nearby public hospital ( Mandaluyong Medical Center) but they have advised to bring him back to TMC as he already had his history there and the doctor said the hospital is not equipped with the Dialysis machine needed for his medical attention.

So off we go to VRP hospital here in Mandaluyong, It is also a private hospital but much nearer to our home. This time his Hemoglobin again dropped off and he had another blood transfusion. Another things is, he tested for positive this time from COVID upon the RT PCR examination done as a protocol. He may have caught it during his confinement at The Medical City where he also had hospital acquired Pneumonia while in ICU.

His current running bill is almost half a million ( 500,000 pesos) With the previous hospitalisations we are in dire need for additional funds to settle his bills and for his continued and ongoing medications. We still have our high hopes that he can go through Kidney Transplant in the future. Ian is 45 years old, we have 2 kids, 19 years old, a Psychology major student in FEU and 17 years old a senior high school student in Hulo Integrated School. I am currently working as VA and trying to make ends meet.

Ian’s only wish is to see his kids graduate in college and we all wish for him to recover and do the things he used to love to do like cooking, biking and be as mobile as he used to be before Chronic Kidney Disease took off all his might and strength. We will be forever be grateful for all the help and support, financial assistance and prayers for him to get well. God is good and all glory in his name.

*Upon discharge in June 17, 2023. His bill has ballooned to a million with Philhealth covering only 300K for severe Covid case.